Our pathetic hero Matthew Anderson has found himself in a very odd situation as he stumbles upon the result of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash having an unfortunate incident deep within the Everfree Forest. Now Matt has to decide the fate of these three mares that have somehow ended up stranded in his home planet.
One thing that is to be made clear is that this is a terrible alternate universe where the stellar series titled "My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic" does NOT exist, nor does all of the accompanying fandom (nooooooooo).
Chapters (12)
In the name of the almighty internet...
1.bp.blogspot.com/-_TkbcIBMy1Y/T2Ioh3r-T_I/AAAAAAAABGA/BAJcgUhFm7c/s1600/firstpost.jpg
Okay, in all seriousness, this is my first fanfic and I could really use all the pointers/educated criticism you can all give. I hope you all enjoy a simple prologue! It certainly wont be that way for long.
You made a good choice by making MLP nonexistent in this universe.
Lets see what you have to offer here...
Errr.. stories are actually more interesting without MLP in our world/universe. Anyway I like where this is going :D.
I concur with the above. I abjectly hate having stories where the fandom or the show come up in them. It never adds to the story having constant comparisons between the show and the 'reality'. It just makes me really annoyed. For making a point of omitting it that alone has earned you many points from myself.
863435
"god has given me these 20..."
*drops one of two tablets which breaks into tiny bits*
"... these 10 commandments!" XD
867646 Major Tom to IraqLobstah:
I second that.
I think I speak for everyone here when I say... i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/293/590/6f6.gif
my recently out of control car starring at
on that dammed and yet
simply the one day I dreams of since I was small
had to pick the most bizarre to just
1. Staring.
2. Damned.
3. Dreamed.
4. Umm... Most bizare time to, I believe?
Boeing777 huh... so this must mean its present day (or close to depending what year you put this in)
Watching...
Nice prologue, it sets the story up nicely. I like the pacing and the detail you put into the back-story of Anderson. From the tone I'm guessing that all of the detail is from personal experience
Nothing wrong with that, but it makes it hard to keep the flow when you move to things that you don't have direct experience with.
I have one criticism and one suggestion:
Criticism: There are several places where you made changes and didn't smooth the text out properly. For example: I made went to brush my teeth . Be sure to re-read several times especially when editing.
Suggestion: While its in no way required, consider your line spacing. Adding an extra line between paragraphs may make it slightly easier on the eyes, especially during dialog. But that may be only my personal preference...
Anyway - Great story, I'll be watching this
869639 Ouchies, I did not see those mistakes and neither did my editor... Being the grammar nazi that I am I will probably go hang myself now
870164 Well, I actually made it my best effort to not include MY life into this character. I thought it would be a little egotistical to put myself in our hero's shoes
. I will kindly take those criticisms and try my best efforts to improve my writing, I sincerely did not re-read as much as I should have because I got a little impatient to publish my first story (
) and my editor will be seeing some raining fire balls for not spotting those little errors either 
.
In a nutshell, thanks, have a Fluttershy
Alright, everything on my radar has been fixed
. But I must address that ONE of you (im not mentioning names) made incorrect corrections and made me spend a good three minutes looking at a dictionary like an idiot 
.
)
Now that this message has been properly conveyed in the form of text, I am going to continue the next chapter(squee
871237
) I mean that it sounds like you are personally knowledgeable about aircraft maintenance. I really like that you go into the level of detail that you do, but that means that it's best to go into that same level of detail if you choose to describe other technical details of the story, otherwise it could unbalance the story.
Just to clarify - I'm not referring to a self-insert when I mentioned personal experience. (I choose poor words there
I suppose this reads like a criticism, it's not ment to be... it's more like "I really hope this continues!
"
871256 Ahh... It's most likely me T_T I'm sorry
871262
Many details shall be addressed!
Not to worry! My OCD is just bound to force me to describe every incessant detail in a desperate effort to make sure the reader gets the same image that I have!
871432
All is forgiven
thinking much clearer soon of I will bash
I chose thisperfect moment
making anypony smile a much as the possibly can and
Umm, not to be rube or anything
1. Or.
2. Forgot your spacing.
3. As and They.
4. Rude.
Darn... WHY DO I FEEL like those comments are pointed at me?
871933
sorry, small crowd. My editor is getting way too lazy, might have to cut him off.... And bake some cupcakes
871972 Great, Now to wait and see if the crowd grows... WHEN the crowd grows
871982
I love
that kind
of optimism
Thank you
... Holy gasp on a stick batmare! Well... that's my randomness limit for the day. Not really but, close.
Hopefully he doesn't get caught in a landslide.
Don't forget to start a new paragraph each time you change speakers.
I liked his wake up call
One thing...
It doesn't quite fit for me, how you have them just blurting out their whole mini introduction, like they're the new kids in class. I'd expect them to give just their names and where they're from. Maybe something more like:
R: I'm Rainbow Dash,
T: I'm Twilight Sparkle,
P: and i'm Pinkie Pie!
T: We're from Equestria, and we're not even sure how we got here
After all, they've apparently never seen a human before. Why would they tell him all the info right away? I mean, yes, Pinkie's hyper, or something. That's why she gets the exclamation point. But they are operating with no information at all, and even a hyper person can get worried about things like that, and act more cautiously.
Wow, that was a real pain to put up. I was lucky enough to backup my writing in a word file, I tried to publish this chapter yesterday night and somehow I posted an empty chapter and lost all progress for a sec.
Well, thats all in the past now, forget I ever said that
Also, on a side note, I have a new slogan for Applebloom to use when she is selling apples. I am absolutely positive that this will increase sales dramatically. Ahem: "Buy some apples!"
Or play some Luna game!img.ponibooru.org/_images/dada45d430d28ad1903aa72891ed2ded/1827%20-%20apple_bloom%20artist%3Akloudmutt%20creepy%20fanfic%20grimdark%20nightmare_fuel%20slasher_bloom.jpg
Heh, good luck sleeping
873859
Hah! you saw the reference! Thank you so much, I was just dying to see that comment!
But yeah, you guessed the title of the next chapter by listening to Queen.
875745
Well, I was thinking with the same point in mind. Sometimes when I am really nervous, I somehow end up acting really childish-like. And Pinkie Pie does go through a slight depression phase in the next chapter
Sorry if I disappointed you, its a little hard to please everyone at once, so I resorted to referring to a small audience (that audience being myself). If I like it then I post it, and I will be happy if others like it too. This way I won't overload myself by making everyone's happiness my goal, it's not.(
wat
)
That doesn't mean I love my audience any less though, so keep reading!
Definitely a more comfortable read than the last chapter.
I have mixed feelings about having music links in the story. On one hand it allows for the music to play for appropriate scenes, but on the other hand it breaks the flow of the story as web pages are redirected or new tabs are opened or whatnot. In this case I think the link detracts from the story because the scene that included the music you reference is so short. Kryptonite is a popular enough song that just naming it will start the music running through many peoples heads.
882896
Yeah, I had the same feelings, but I didn't think it was a very popular song, much less remember the lyrics. So after a few minutes of pondering I decided to add a link that also allows the reader to see the lyrics (and potential importance) without having to go way out of their way
God, those pictures still mortify me. Now i'm going to have to sleep with the shotgun tonight. Oh and cool chapter btw. $875?! He must be broke by now.
883578
Fortunately, working as an AMT can pay pretty well. So good Samaritan Matthew might only need to save his pennies for a month or so
My advise to you, keep the shotgun under your pillow, pointed at the door. But make sure to keep an eye out for the windows, closets, the underside of your bed and behind the cover on your ceiling light. Sleep well
882743
Oh, OK. that makes sense.
I'm enjoying the story so far. Just thought I'd give a little input.
I like chapter 3, by the way.
884180
I'm sorry that this had to be cleared up in the comment section and not within the story itself. I'll try to be more careful next time
I noticed a big grammatical mistake that you seem to be making quite often. No two people or characters are supposed to talk in the same paragraph. When the speaker changes, you need to start a new one, even if it means having paragraphs that are only one sentence long. The way you have it now, I found it extremely difficult to keep track of who was talking at any particular moment. It might be a good idea to go back and edit that in. It won't take long- only a minute or two at most.
I didn't think your last chapter was too bad, other than having the same paragraph/speaker issue I just mentioned.
884974
Yeah, I see what you mean. I'll look into it. At least my errors are grammatical and not conceptual, that would take a whole lot more time to fix. Thanks for bringing this to my attention, I won't make the same mistake again.
Hey i got an idea from being insanely tired. What if one of the "Mane 3" asks him what they can do to make up for all of the money he's spent on them, i can thing of a way ;) if ya catch my drift.
Time to be a Nazi! ... or Picky more like it.
*Young Matthew looks at time piece, then at his father. Both wearing a small smile"
Oh god, you are serious
"huh, that actually might fill a few gaps in our understanding of physics"
"Argh! Two legs, how do you walk around like this?".
"There, put those on, I think we are going to go shopping for some clothes".
"Rainbow! watch your language! And please, don't ask such weird questions"
"Yeah, I just wasn't really sure. I think the others will want to know before it gets out of hoof"
for the three mare in disguise
1. Supposed to be an asterik at the end right?
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_RageFace.png Now I just need a troll face.jpg
2. Are you serious? ARE YOU SERIOUS?!
3. Forgot to capitalise and missing your comma at the end.
4. Same thing as 5.
5. Look carefully at the end where ya missed your comma
6. Forgot to capitalise and your comma at the end.
7. Forgot your comma at the end.
8. Mares.
887789
No clop! This story is rated Teen and I don;t feel like going through the trouble of changing that!
888599
Well played ref, well played... I fix those eventually.
....Edit: Well, most of those corrections were made. I really meant the part of "Oh god, you're serious." part, it was a statement of disbelief that even I use every now and then.
Oh, I see. It's skateBOARDING. When I think of "skating", I think of roller blades or ice skates, both of which ponies already have. As a result, I would think the ponies would have come to the same conclusion. I was going to mention it last chapter, but by the time I finished reading, I had forgotten about it. It may be worth going back and clarifying that. Of course, if skateboarding is shown in Season 3, the whole premise of skateboarding lessons is eliminated.
Also, Rainbow Dash is out of character. She's showing too much empathy. In the show, she often has difficulty noticing the feelings of others. I doubt she would have noticed his sleeping trouble, even if she herself had been awake. She's not completely devoid of empathy, but when she does try to show it, she's not usually very good at expressing it.
Similarly, I could say Pinkie seems unusually gloomy at times, but she's Pinkie Pie. There's no telling what goes on inside that head of hers. She's admitted that even she is not completely sure herself.
The story could also use a bit more descriptive detail. For example, instead of *Heavy rain* *thunder*, it's usually recommended that you actually describe the sounds. The sound effects showing instead of descriptions are the biggest ones. The rest of the story could use it as well, but it's not absolutely necessary.
AHA! I noticed something, WHERE'S TWILIGHT?!
HAHA! She probably stayed up all night on the interwebs and found "the dark side".
889782
I will respond to that last bit first, It was a memory. The memory was purposely made vague because it's a memory, so it was meant to be mostly dialogue and I attempted to keep descriptive writing out of those portions.
Sure, I agree with you that Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie are out of character, but then again, they were never flung into another world in the show. Plus, Matthew potentially saved their lives and even blew off $800 for ponies sake. So I would not be surprised if things in one's character get mixed about in a situation like that. Hell, maybe even the one and only Rainbow Dash has to soften up a bit once in a while, she only really showed empathy once in this chapter.
As for the skating, skaters just call it skate and don't really bother with that last detail unless they are talking about the board itself and not the action. I'm basically saying that I will not pursue that topic.
889811
Maybe, I was just thinking that she went to bed.. Hopefully not clopping to humans, that's a little too weird and opposite for me. But hey, not even the author knows.
Well, let's just say it lets me see you are you read my work
"Sure, I could give you a few lessons. I guess it'll give you something to do while you're here"
"Um, you are very welcome"
"Nopony wakes me up like that.".
"Regular? then why are you riding the opposite way?"
"I don't see any ropes in here, but I'm sure we'll manage without those!."
I smile began to grow on Pinkie Pie's face
I began. everypony looked around the room awkwardly.
"and, they aren't exactly human either.",
I don;t need thanking for that.
Thanks me later
1. I believe you mean As.
2. Forgot yer comma at the end.
3. Same as 2.
4. Exta fullstop thre.
5. Forgot to capitalise.
6. Same as 4.
7. A. Wanna buy another vowel?
8. Don’t know if you meant or a comma or forgot to capitalise.
9. Forgot to capitalise at the start and extra comma at the end.
10. Don’t.
11. Thank.
Now then... fullstops... If I were to include those (?)mistakes I guess(?) where you put fullstops instead of commas there would've been more but imma let that slide... But yeah, there are those that are picky. Just lettin you know
Is it just me, or is this chapter not quite up to the quality of the previous ones?
I'm pretty sure I see what you intend for the dream sequence. It looks like you are going for pure dialog. But the way it is now doesn't quite work since you have some description in there as well.
Just a suggestion, but what about replacing the description with onomatopoeia? For example replace the beginning with:
krak-a-BOOM
knock knock
"Hello? Matt! Are you in there? It's me, Ted!"
creeaaak
The ending would need to be reworded a bit too, perhaps something like:
...I'm worried for you is all."
"What, This phone?"
CRASH
"I need to be alone."
On a different note, this: I looked at the author, my eyes pleading for an explanation, but he just stared at me and shrugged
No... Please... just... no.
And a final note: Damn... Twi was a real bitch when he woke her up... never even apologized... (pardon the language)
Edit: Sure she has reason - but still... damn...
On the plus side - I still really enjoy the story, and that stargazing scene was beautiful.
894347
Arrgh, the product of me writing at midnight. Sorry about the shattered 4th wall there, I actually thought I only imagined it but apparently it slipped through. Maybe my one and only editor thought that bit was hilarious and decided not to tell me about it.
I for one think that the dreaming sequence is fine, the part where Matthew crushes the phone was supposed to be just him crushing it in front of Ted out of pure rage and agony.. So Matt's wittiness isn't there for a reason.
As for the Twilight thing... I was planning to leave the apology for later, but you caught me in the act. I was mostly trying a little harder to get Pinkie Pie a little closer to, well, Pinkie Pie. I'm glad you enjoyed that last scene, because I wrote it seconds before passing out from sheer exhaustion
894000
Once more, the product of me just being tired... And my editor giving me the okay a bit quickly. I'm really sorry about that, I just don;t know what went wrong
Zat vas... DA MAGICS.
Hey great story so far
loved the fact that you're actively dealing with the fact that twilight and the others aren't legal citizens
I haven't seen that in other ponies on earth stories
Be wary, for I am about to quote the famous words of some obscure fat person: 'MOAR!!! I WANT MOAR!!!'
Pretty good chapter. I really wish Rainbow Dash would have "Feelings" for Matt. But, are you up to the task of relationship writing?
This chapter does seem much smoother compared to the previous ones. I only noticed one thing, and it's likely due to my own recent research: "Cast" is an irregular verb, spelled the same for all tenses.
Your version of Pinkie is also developing nicely. She's far more philosophical than the canon version, but I find a thoughtful version to be a nice change. Rainbow and Twilight haven't gotten much screen time yet, and I look forward to seeing how you work with them!
Well... Time for future you to feel my pickiness today...
I no time at all
If you don't just spit it out and you haven't actually eaten any meat
"No, I'm sorry".
"Um.... No, sorry if I made you angry",
"I'm not angry, I'm disappointed",
Thank you, for letting me see that Matthew",
"Hey, what are friends for? I only hope Rainbow sees that soon enough",
"Oh, I just took a random novel from your collection, if that's okay with you",
"It's fine by me, I meant which book",
"Yes, it's a very good book",
"Dinner is ready! Rainbow, come down please",
"I hope you're okay with steamed vegetables",
"Yeah, I'll be right back",
extremely long distance in a very short time",
Which means that, theoretically, it's.
"What happened is that we may have an idea on how we came here",
"Yes, that point is perfectly clear to me",
took us to get new clothes",
"Um yes, yes I can",
"From what I can tell",
"But",
then I can make it take us back",
but I do not possess unlimited power",
what materials I will need, yet",
He has done nothing but try to stick by my side",
"Even when I was pushing him away".
"Thank you Matthew, for everything",
1. In.
2. Forgot your comma in the middle.
3-14. Check the end of each sentence.
15. It should be It Is.
16-27. Check the ends as well.
904399
, I have been thinking about that for a while. I guess thats up to me to decide though, and up to you to read up through... Damn! I wish there was a Zecora face I could use!
I'll have to look into that.
I will be completely honest with you
904340
Thanks for noticing. I knew from the beginning that I was doing a story that has been done over and over again, I myself am almost sick of reading Ponies in Earth (PiE!) stories. So I have been actively trying my best to make it my own and revitalize the potential this subcategory of fim has. For example, I scraped the idea that Twilight is always the pony that was doing some massive and high-risk experiment when something goes wrong and her and her friends get transported to Earth somehow, Twilight deserves better than that because I see her as a whole lot more cautious and skilled to keep making those errors through hundreds of stories. I also focused on some issues that really were never addressed before (again, thanks for noticing) and I'm planning on much more drama. Keep on reading
905866
What the BUCK?